Time-Out as a Life Skill, Not a Punishment

Imagine a world where people realized their self-control was waning and they would excuse themselves until their coping skills returned.  They would retreat to a place where they found comfort, perspective or distraction. 

Meditation is a kind of time-out, so is reading, or an afternoon nap.  School detention, Juvenile Hall and prison are also time-outs.  The former are most often self-imposed.  The latter are other-imposed.

The most common form of other-imposed time-out in childhood goes like this – a child loses control and is sent away for a prescribed amount of time and allowed to return when that time has passed.  The child typically sits in isolation with nothing to do.  When the prescribed time has passed the child is “released.”  The child may or may not have regained her composure or any sense of good humor, but she has done her time.

When time-out is taught as a life skill the young child still needs guidance.  With a caregiver’s help children can identify escalating emotions and excuse themselves from a situation, sometimes even before things go too far. 

A self-imposed time-out with guidance looks something like this – caregiver/parent says to child “why don’t you take a minute and calm yourself.  Find your lovey or play in your room and comeback when you feel like you can get along better.”   When the child returns the caregiver has an opportunity to acknowledge the child’s efforts – “you took a few minutes to calm down and I am so glad you came back to play.”  At this point the calmer, more receptive child is more capable of integrating problem-solving strategies – “Instead of knocking down the block tower you can say ‘I am angry,’ and you can ask me for help.”

In answer to your next question (yes, I know what it is), what do you do if the child refuses to put herself in time out?  At this point, the caregiver offers a choice, “You need some time to calm down.  Can you go by yourself or do you need my help?  If I take you I will decide when you are ready to come back and join us, if you go on your own you can come back all by yourself when you’re ready.”  This allows the child some control and makes cooperation more likely at the current time, and initiation more likely in the future.

Sometimes parents need time-outs.  Model self-imposed isolation by excusing yourself when things get too heated for you.  Articulate that you are feeling too frustrated, angry, etc. to talk or play further and that you need to take some time to calm down.

The need for time-out presents itself in the lives of adults and children alike, often daily, and knowing when to take it is an invaluable life skill, maybe even one that will help your child avoid all types of other-imposed isolations.