My friend Audrey and I had babies four months apart. Our first-borns are now twenty-three. Audrey went on to have a second and third born. That choice was made naively, having never previously taught a child to drive. Fortunately, I was blessed with infertility so I avoided a second-go-round with driver’s training.
Audrey’s second-born turned sixteen, yesterday. Elizabeth will soon be driving independently (without her mother). She will also be driving alone (without her friends). In California a minor must have a license for a year before they can drive with friends in the car. The argument at Audrey’s house will soon begin, again: “Everyone else’s parents allow them to drive with other people in the car.”
Back-in-the-day, my mother would have said something useless and sarcastic like “if everyone else was jumping off a bridge, we wouldn’t let you do it”. My mother also would have believed that everybody else’s parents were abiding by the law, and in my community that was generally, true.
I don’t think it’s true today, at least in most places. My experience as a parent, and my work as a parent coach provide anecdotal evidence of that truth. Fewer and fewer parents enforce driving laws, curfew laws, helmet laws, or drinking laws. They do not require their kids to follow dress-codes, religious dictates, or even Facebook rules (you know, your kids are supposed to be thirteen to have an account).
As a parent, I embraced the rules created by the ”Other.” Health, safety, and the law were always non-negotiable. I considered converting to religions with very strict rules just to take the monkey off my back. Selective rule following seems foolish to me.
I am a believer in a “because.” Not the dictatorial “because I said so” or the self-involved “because I can,” but, active decision-making “because I believe… “ and some conformity “because the law says…” Making parenting choices with an eye toward the value system and goals of my own family was difficult enough with out parsing the law, the rules of the school, the instructions of the doctor, or the dictates of the church.
Parenting is hard. What do you think?
I obeyed the law and ‘did the right thing’ because I was always afraid to disappoint my parents. There was just something about having their trust and approval that helped keep me on a pretty straight path.
I still like “because I said so”. But I do agree with you Carolyn, in that the laws are not being enforced at home. I can’t imagine what it’s like today…and my youngest is only 4 years out of high school. It was bad when my two boys were in Middle School and High School. I naively believed that sending them to Catholic school would alleviate some of the pressure. But I found out very quickly how easy it was for some parents to put the “rules making” on someone else. I got the reputation for being very strict…and parents would use me as the gage. “If Nick Stoudt can go, then it’s OK for you to go”. I kind of liked it back then. But looking back on it, it was such a cop-out. You can not be their friends. Even if it breaks your heart to be the “bad guy”.
This was GREAT Carolyn! Wow, we have come a long way from HS days, and yet? Not so far. Same basic values.
I Agree 100% with your stand. I was not lucky enough to have a spouse who agreed with me… but he let me dictate the discipline for the most part. We now have a combination of Great well behaved “color in the lines” kids with an attitude that if mom says NO ask dad! I know it’s been very hard on our marriage thru the years. I wonder? can there be a gray area? Personally, I take a conservatively Liberal stance. :-)
Well said!
I believe in following the rules. I have a kinder and walk/razor to school with my boys everyday. It is unbelievable how many kids at the elementary school do not wear helmets. I would say most dont. My kids now point out each kids who is “breaking the law and could get hurt”. I always think about Carolyn’s “health and safety are nonnegotiable” comment. My boys know that if they dont follow the rules (not made by mom & dad) they are not allowed to participate. They seem to understand and abide by the rules… but they are only 6 & 4. I hope this lasts!
Now having three daughters (ages 15, 17, 19) who are and have gone through the no driving with friends in the car rule, wear a helmet rule, curfew rule, no cell phones until 14 rule, not facebook until 16 rule, etc,it is much more difficult holding your ground than I thought it would be when thery weren’t of that age. I am grateful that we have, but I can’t say I was always consistent with the rule (primarily the no one in the car rule). I guess I pick my battles but ultimately hold my ground to win the war….raise independent, creative, empathetic, respective and moral daughters. We have been lucky and seem to be going in the right direction.
Thanks for the good article and making us remindful of why we need to hold our ground, because that is ultimately what our daughters want; to know how much we love and care for them and their welfare.
Carolyn – while I have learned so much from you over the years, I am happy to say that the one thing that I luv to share that I learned from you is “know your because” – it has worked volumes in my house. Yes “my” house. As a single mother for many years now, I had to set down rules in order for us to function day in and day out. When it came to driving, my daughter was ready and followed all the rules in order to get her license at 16 – she even followed the rules of not driving anyone else unless it was one of her brothers. As for my boys, they did not and or “have not”. I am a firm beleiver that rules have to be established early on – not at the age of 16, otherwise as a parent, you might as well stick a fork in you… it just doesn’t work. While my children are far from perfect, they definitely have paid the consequences when need be. My kids are now 24, 22 & 17, still living at home, where they still have to follow my rules especially w/ an underage child still in the home. I am always amazed when I see kids who have fallen off the wagon and parents continuing to cater to them vs having them pay the consequences, that said, why should kids do things any different? They get what they want either way. Tough love is hard to give, but in my opinion, works well. I luv to say that we are “functionally disfunctional” – perfect description of not perfection, but relatively easy to manage…
Yes. Good parenting is hard. If it is done with dedication, consistency and in the best interest of the kids.
As far as laws, codes and rules…the ones discussed here are made to keep our kids safe, It is for their own well being. What caring parent wouldn’t enforce them? I am stunned by the lack of enforcement. Hey, a helmet makes my hair flat, but I practice what I preach. My kids aren’t driving yet, and thank goodness I don’t have a girl, because tight skirts that barely cover their……anything, would not even be an issue for discussion. And my “because” is because I love you, and because I take the time to discuss and help you understand the reasons for the rules.
Thanks Carolyn, for all of your time and effort to keep us all remembering what we believe in and why.
I’m actually okay with not following someone else’s rules (laws, regulations, codes, mandates, whatever). I often don’t agree with them. I do require my child follow my rules, however. My family is like the mob: we’re not following YOUR rules, but we sure have our own, and if my son doesn’t follow them, there will be consequences.
However, we talk about OTHER people’s rules and ask our son what he thinks. His behavior is not optional, but his thoughts are his own. He can believe what he wants. And when he gets his own house, he can apply his own rules.
We might discuss the ban on same sex marriage. My husband and I believe lesbians and gays should have a right to civil marriage. If a particular religion chooses to deny them the right to marry in a religious ceremony, that’s ok.
My husband and I have always let our children know that we expect them to follow all laws, whether or not we agree with them. We do not get to pick and choose what laws we follow and what ones we don’t. We were always in the minority with making our kids were helmets for bikes, skateboards and snow boarding (in fact our youngest quit boarding for a number of years because he wouldn’t wear a helmet), no passengers in the car for 1 year, etc. People need to realize that laws are put into place for a reason. We recently had an issue where our child received a Minor in Possession ticket for being in a vehicle with an open beer. We had to appear in Juvenille Hall and the judge offered him a DEJ in order to have this misdemeanor offense not show on his “record.” Part of this agreement is an 8pm curfew for 6 months (10pm with our permission). I, as the parent, also had to agree that I would report back to the court as to whether or not he followed these rules. We are upholding our part of the agreement and not allowing him out past curfew, and can’t believe how many other parents think we are being “hard asses” for holding him to this “ridiculously early curfew.” He agreed, as did I, in a court of law, to abide by a certain set of criteria to avoid having a misdemeanor on his record (to me, WELL worth it). What kind of message would we be sending if we then came home and told him that these rules were silly and we didn’t really need to follow through on what we agreed to. (And, surprisingly he has been very accepting of this stipulation, and hasn’t pushed us on extending the curfew). I truly beleive children need consequences for their actions. Believe me when I tell you that both of my children have had to suffer some pretty harsh consequences for some of their lapse of judgement, but in the long run, I believe these consequences have saved them from making far more dangerous and life altering mistakes. I wish parents would realize that it is ok for their children to be inconvenienced/uncomfortable/bored, etc once in awhile in order to learn lessons that will serve them later in life when the stakes are so much bigger.
Carolyn I like your because….for me rules were made for a reason and I like to discuss with my children the why and allow their thinking as to the why….but we follow rules.
You are my rock….
I grew up with “because I said so”, “because I am the parent” and I try my hardest not to do the same. I believe in giving my children a better reason than that and it actually works. They may not like the explanation I’m giving them at the time but when the issue comes back around, they remember the reason and they are the ones telling it to me.