Everyone with children knows, kids cry. A lot. It can’t be avoided. It’s developmental. Before they can talk they cry, and after they have words they cry. They cry when they are sad, frustrated, angry, and tired. Sometimes their crying escalates to full-blown, lay on the floor, red-in-the-face tantrums. Kids are rarely inhibited by onlookers or venue, so meltdowns can happen at home, at school, and the grocery store.
Mostly parents just want to make the crying stop, so they often resort to diverting and distracting – “if you stop I’ll buy you an ice cream,” or they discipline or dismiss – “go to your room so I don’t have to listen to you” or (the more old-school) “I’ll give you something to cry about.” Although bribing and banishing sometimes offer quick relief, they don’t teach any coping skills or provide kids any insight into acceptable expression.
Parents want children to use words, but all to often they do not provide the child with words to use. Acknowledge and label your child’s feelings. Let him know he has conveyed his message. Say out loud, “I can see that you are sad because dad left. Sometimes it is hard to say good-bye. Can I help?”
Frustration is a close companion of the growing child. Children are learning so quickly and their frustration level can be so high, especially during times of disequilibrium. Acknowledge and relate – “You seem frustrated. You have been working hard to build that tower and it keeps falling over. Sometimes when I am frustrated, I take a break until I feel calmer and am ready to try, again.”
Anger can be trickier because so many adults have negative associations with that emotion. Label it, even if your experience has left you uncomfortable with the feeling. Your child can learn to express anger in a way that is acceptable in your family. Try an acknowledgement and a direction like; “I know you are angry that your brother took your toy, but you may not hit him. You may say, ‘I am angry with you, ‘ and you can even use a loud voice. Or you can say I am not going to play with you today because I am angry that you took my toy.”
Provide a word that identifies your child’s expressed emotion. Provide an acceptable response or reaction. Your acknowledgment reflects care and understanding, let’s children know there is nothing wrong with their feelings, allows for appropriate expression, and builds a foundation of empathy for others.
Ultimately, much more effective than divert, distract, discipline or dismiss, don’t you think?
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