Girls Don’t Have to be Good or Nice

As I listened to Rosalind Wiseman this morning on the Today Show, I felt grateful for her wisdom, and sadness that she was not around when I was a kid.  Her book, Queen Bees and Wannabees validated the pain of my youth and the updated version of her book will help you help your daughter navigate the oldest, and the newest challenges, society heaps on our daughters.

One of Wiseman’s primary focuses is that we teach girls that addressing struggles with peers is not about being friends, but about how to be socially competent.

I couldn’t help, but reflect back on my first years as a preschool teacher, saying to children: “we are all friends together at school.”  Isn’t that a lovely notion and the biggest lie you ever heard?  We are not all friends together at school (or anywhere else, for that matter), and it makes no difference if we are four or forty.   Yet, this myth is promoted to children – especially girls – by well meaning people, and girls often believe it for a lifetime.

Are you aware of how often you use the words “good” and “nice” with your daughters – words that most often imply deference and silence.  Let’s change the direction to “respectful” and “polite,” introduce the concept of kindness without capitulation. 

Observe how many times you (at least, initially) wince when your girl stands her ground and boast when your boy does.   If you are more evolved than this, good for you!  Speak up and model for others.  If you are guilty, let your guilt guide you to changing your behavior, and teaching a new lesson. 

If you are a parent, or a teacher, or a coach, or a neighbor, change your primary focus to respect and regard – not just kids showing it to you, but kids showing it to each other.  Creating a greater space for decency will allow more energy for math, and soccer, and a better understanding of true friendship.